Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Power of a Mother

      Growing up in a household that was dysfunctional, I saw and heard a lot of things that stuck with me my whole life. As a daughter I watched my mother closely, wanting to imitate who and what she was. As I grew older, I realized that though I love my mother, the last thing I wanted to be like was her. Til this day I still have conflicting thoughts and feelings about and for my mother. I feel as her child that shouldn't be. As a child I didn't get many hugs or kisses from my mother. I didn't get the "I love yous." My mother was tough, she had a hard exterior and that's all that she gave to us. As a teenager, I figured that the reason my mother and I didn't get along was because we simply didn't "get" each other. I thought that maybe when I became an adult, that we would have more in common. Well, needless to say, I was WRONG! Going through the growing pains of being a young adult and learning how the world works was tough for me. I figured, I have a mother, she's been through this already, let me confide in her. I sought understanding and encouragement from my mother, and got neither. Soon after learning to live on my own and be successful at it, I got married. Another chapter in my life of which my mother had already read. While being blissfully married my husband and I were living in Connecticut. Connecticut is a very bitterly cold place in the winter and a very expensive place year round. Needless to say, we struggled. This caused another rift between my mother and I. Instead of her giving the old "thing will get better with time" speech, I got a lot of judgement and criticism, none of which was constructive.

      So, here I sit four years into my marriage, one kid, another on the way, doing great in everyone else eyes including my own, my mother still finds something to poo poo. I know this one sounds like emotional diareaha, but this is not just for me, but for the other daughters out there who have the same relationship or lack thereof with their mothers. To all of the moms out there who have grown children, let them go! Let us go! We have done just fine so far in our lives and we would apprieciate it if you would aknowledge that. Stop snooping, asuming, critizing, judging and manipulating us. I speak now for myself when I say I have had enough. Because when you (mom) do these things it doesn't make our relationship better, it makes it worse.

       I use this particular blog to be an example. As it stands today 9/12/13 I have not spoken to my mother about anything substatial in my life. I hold conversations with my mother as if she were a stranger. And what's saddest about it all is that she really is a stranger. My mother knows nothing of my true talents and gifts. I don't tell her about any endeavors that I am thinking of approaching. I keep our conversations to small talk because my mother is a dream killer.

        So in my closing, to all of the daughters and sons out there dealing with the same thing, you are not alone. Mothers who are cold and lack encouraging words emotionally damage their children. I know some of you say, I should just have a heartfelt talk with my mother. I've been there done that, got the shirt, key chain, hat and tattoo! But I will say this, the peace that I have is knowing that I have tried all that I thought to try. I have gone before God and placed it at his feet and you know what I've learned? I've learned that you can't get something from someone if they don't have it. Encouragement, support and understanding are things my mother doesn't have. I won't continue to hurt myself by thinking I will ever get these things from her. I will just have to accept that she is who she is flaws and all..... my mother. And I will let this be a learning tool when dealing with my children and husband. Remember, be kind to others and kindness will find you. Until next week, hold these words in your heart and mind.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

New International Version (NIV)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

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